Archive for the ‘expressions’ Category
well, don’t go and be judgmental -v day, a day to stop and reflect.
when was the last time i saw someone smile for me. or be it the fleeting hair waving in the wind. when was the last time i could greet someone, and do the same for the rest of my life. when is the time i can hold a pair of hands, knowing they will hold me back. when is the time, i trust someone, and not be hurt again. who is the person whom i will wait for and be waited for in return. who is the person who really understands why i cry and laugh at the same time. who is the person who will bring me away from all the thorns of life and deliver me.
why do i wait for someone, who seems destined never to come. why do i run away from everyone who cares. why do i keep making the mistakes i know will happen. why do i feel trapped when i get close to someone. why do i tear my eyes out when i see them gone.
why do i pretend to be a spoilt brat so hard, to run away from the pathetic facade i try to hide in. why won’t someone tear it away from me, so i can be true again. why do i wonder to the far reaches of the land to find some solitude. why do i feel the emptiness eating me from inside. why do i feel the tears washing my heart away. why do i seem to be contented, when i am really feeling so hurt.
what do i have to do to end this all. what do i have to do to make you all see. what do i have to do to show you that i am real. what do i have to do to make you feel. what do i have to do to see me. what do i have to do to be close to you. what do i do to know that it is you.
so who are you out there, stop hurting me anymore, i am not as strong as anyone would think. STOP.
i have been so successful at avoiding my own loneliness. seriously abit too successful. but consequentially i am turning abit heartless, really heartless, that heartless.
the heart is slowly solidifying, freezing, cracking, mauled.
once again, i will look forward to my pilgrimage to my secret corner in the far reaches of the island, with a sight of the stars, hills and seas. i’ll sit by the rocks and look at the stars and remember the good times that was once the present.
p.s. if you care, please stab me today, if you don’t, do me a favor and do the same.
just feeling abit down on a up day, and a sudden urge to pen some thoughts.
if life was a journey, i would most definitely be at a bus stop, looking at pieces of my life whizzing pass me, barely colliding, barely consequential.
there were so many buses I could take, but my pride, my fears prevented me from taking any of them. now i am left here, past midnight, the leaves blowing, the winds haunting, no one in sight.
the seat gets cold, the my beloved winds turns into a stranger, slapping my mind, echoing the hollowness of my shell. the stormy clouds lay before me, no shelter in sight, why am i here, only i would know. if its meant to be, it shall, else all is but a waste of tears.
blow wind blow.
2008,
twisted fingers, bleeding tips, wrong place, wrong time, in debt, never repaid, run away, back to the same place. jump and hit the wall above, trapped below, where no wind blows, dark lines, never ends, scar remains, vibrant death.
jump for joy, like never before, wind beneath the wings, i take flight, look down below, see a pair of eyes, reaching out, holding hands, sweet water, sweeter tears. stars blazing, nights afire, things so bright, seem so right.
wrongdoings be undone, feelings unsheathed, hopes undone.
results in 9 hours ?!
if i need to start thinking academically, it would be now, but is there really a point to worry about it anymore? so jaded of results, like a ever-flowing stream of disappointments. less no expectations ! escapism, sleep well tonight.
i run to fall, i look to cry, i remember to regrets. the life itself entwined with threads of thorns, the pieces crumble, the world splits apart. the dance of life, ends with a falling of curtains, the applauses give way to the void of separation, the lights dimmed, the darkness engulfs, the hands fall apart, the hearts beats faintly. the wind blows, chills come on, the shivers wrecked with pain, the numbness is a hope. like holding onto water, the dam collapses, the gushes swept away, in a torrent of tears. the twisted fingers, clenched fist, vested interest, was never so wrong.
convoluted, vertigo.
i just had a chat with some of my friends online. more precisely the people whom i work with in codex, and some other close friends. they just admitted to a little vote revolt in the past elections. i never really think that winning is certain, as proven by the results, but what i didn’t realize was that the turn out of the votes seems more complicated then i thought.
in theory i thought that group “ID” would vote unanimously for my opponent. on the other hand, i had the votes of the “CN”, “IN” and “SE” group. numerically, i had a superior number of supporters. that was what i had in mind before stepping into the political scene.
little did i knew that a portion of my “SE” group (approximately 60 pax) voted for the opponent due to a wildly speculative theory of theirs.
here goes, and see if i’m able to interpret their theory.
Ruiping wins elections -> waste time in CEC, doing goodie bags -> Less time doing ridiculous projects -> Not so good for my future and theirs.
Hence,
They vote other direction or abstain, ensure i lose a significant number of votes-> reason to buy me cake and provide me with time to pursue UROP, WSS and other crazy ideas. -> better for everyone around me (immediate vicinity).
Also something to do with their hatred for CEC and their reluctance to see me involved. They thought that I should spend more time with CODEX and ComTech and not waste time with things like “goodies bags” and “dinner and dance” which are not my forte.
Reason: I was very hard-headed about helping the school stance. and they thought that a week later to tell me what happened would be good. They assumd that I wouldn’t listen to them, and would appear un supportive if they were to bring the issue to me. so . . .
But somehow, I’m still quite pissed off. I can understand the reasoning, but in truth i felt abit blindsided.
argh, why do people think they always have your best interest at heart. and seriously, i won’t forgive them again if they do this a second time. i’m just going to be very annoyed for the next 2 hours.
argh argh, i didn’t know how to do my lab quiz today ! first time in the history of my ntu career, i actually can’t do the question, i’m so fedup, i didn’t spend enough time revising,
this shall serve as a wake-up call, wake up idiot !
do i understand, yes. do i realize the truth, yes. but it does not mean i have to agree with it. why are we always stuck in an endless loop of pursuits. its like, why is it so hard to tell someone that you like them. on the other hand, why is it so hard for people to tell you that they do fancy you. are we really so afraid to be disappointed, to be cast away? bummer.
i was talking to my long-time friend on the phone earlier. i just popped her a seemingly harmless question, “hey, if you have a crush on somebody, should you tell her, even though she is seeing someone already, shouldn’t you at least tell her how you feel?” she replied “what are you trying to achieve, if she respond, is that the circumstance you would agree on?” that was a very good point made by her. it made me realize that only silence was the best resolution to the dilemma. sometimes, the right thing to do is to protect her interest before yours, and maybe a little sacrifice and restraint for the good of the bigger picture. but, but this isn’t important to me, because with time, i have grown to appreciate people without possessing them. after all, a crush is a fleeting moment, and its more then faded now. but, but, what i really want is to explain myself to a group of people even though i don’t have to.
probably because, i’m really touched by the things some people do. some write horribly cursive letters in obscenely pink stationary, asking me about everything under the sun. some keep creating blogs with entries that makes me blush in the middle of the night. some buy presents that are just. ah hem, uncomfortable. but i know that as a common theme, they are people who sincerely care for me (at least thats what i innocently believe. (my friend warned me against smart women, they always seem to have a hidden agenda)). the expressions made. i don’t respond, because i want to give it some thought. i write this, because its really sad that you are sad. and i am not trying to intentionally hurt you.
well, you see. its not that i’m not appreciative. its just that i do not really have much to offer to a girl at the moment. and i don’t want people to be disappointed. you probably would have fitted into my famous female criteria of “cute, smart, local” and possibly score a B to B+ on a female evaluation form (for those people who are familiar with the system would appreciate how high a B+ score is), but the truth is that i don’t feel that i am that person you think i am. i may pursue my passion of knowledge and wisdom recklessly. i may smoke my way through a s.e.n.s. piano piece, draw portraits of people who resembles humans, guessed a few constellations in the night sky accurately. passionately pursing things that i firmly believe in. stay up till the wee hours, convincing you and myself that every thing’s going to be fine. worse, proclaiming my every shameless declaration of my cuteness (which yes, i know is so not true). i’m just another ordinary guy, that possibly won’t deserve your time and your commitment.
above that, you should also know that i’ve been investing myself in the pursuit of knowledge and discovery, which leaves me little or no time for you. and i don’t want that, its not fair to you at all. i think you deserve more then that, someone who is there for you every single moment. i know i can’t. i’m just a shadow, thinking and working in the background of this amazing world.
i tried to give you guys a chance to talk to me, and for me to spend some time talking to you. dinners, walks, runs, weird meeting in the bushes, and hide and seeks. but i don’t think you got the message that i was trying to reach out to you. argh, humans are dense !
alright, enough talking about how i feel, even though its still relatively superficial, it would be the most i have written. lastly, why do i try to run away from you? if you think i am repulsed, you are wrong. if you are really that bad, i could just hate you and move on, but its precisely because i can’t just hate you, that you are a distraction to me.
good night ~ p.s. i’m drunk on h20.
too many a times, we refuse to settle, hoping that we get something more. foolishly looking forward, and missing the step in front of us. fall we may have, staring at the concrete ground. pain engulfs, clutching your knees, waiting for the pain to fade. only that it does not fade, it didn’t go away, looking around, there is no one, looking ahead, the street lights flicker. the hopes you wish for is nothing more then an illusion, the direction you look at, is nothing but darkness. the journey we take, was not optional.
recently, the school told me to send them afew photos related to our trip to the states. i found afew “acceptable” ones, and here is what i have to share.
taken at mountain view, outside google as we invaded it.
taken at the wwdc grounds, one of the rare photos whereby we are all inside.
taken at our hostel
if there are more to add, i will update accordingly.
